5 reasons you should never brag on the internet

I spend a lot of time on the internet -- much more than some would consider normal, with very good reason, it's how I keep beans on the stove. Aside from that I have seen a lot of stupid things...

Even taking these things into account one of the stupidest things I have ever seen is the farce of internet bragging. whether on forums, comment sections or on the Facebook wall of someone you're cyber-stalking, it's not hard to find someone on the internet boasting about all the money they have, how bad the chicks they hook up with are or how their life is like a movie. Once you start seeing these misguided boasts, you'll soon realize they're among the saddest written words on the Internet. Instead of a sign of how awesome the poster is, they are instead inevitably a marker of how clueless they are about how the Internet actually works.

Please, I beg you, children and stupid adults: Do not brag on the Internet. Here's why:

#5. Because No One Will Believe You

There's this thing about the Internet that you may have heard before, so if you think you know everything, feel free to skip this point. Because we're all behind computers, everyone on the Internet is highly anonymous; our online personae don't have to in any way be tied to our real world figures. An example: You might think of me as M. Thomas, your trusted Internet guide and all around gentleman, but how much do you really know about me? Did you know I'm actually a team of 53 Vietnamese sweatshop comedians and one thesaurus? I'm not, but dammit, now that you think about it, I probably could be. Because we're separated by keyboards and glowing wires and I guess RAM, you can't read my expression or touch my face to tell if I'm lying, And the same thing holds for any claim made by anyone on the Internet, especially in a place with a low barrier to posting, like basically everywhere you hang out. Anything could be a lie, and there's often no way to prove otherwise. Text is all obviously bullshit, and even screenshots and pictures can easily have their pixels repixelated. That's why, when someone makes a bold claim about themselves on the Internet, the default response of everyone else who's been on the Internet for more than a day is to say "OK," and then they go on not believing a thing. It only takes one cybersex session with a typing dog before we get shy about believing anything about anything online.

#4. Because You Probably Haven't Done Anything That Important
Take a step back and look at the accomplishment you're thinking of boasting about. Is it related to video games in any way? Is it about all the muscles you have, and all the karate those muscles know? Is it something that nearly everyone in the world could also do, like grow huge breasts? Congratulations, you're not a huge deal. I don't want to deflate you too much, because maybe you're 12 and this recent achievement is kind of a big deal to you. It's these little successes that make life worth living, and there's no reason you shouldn't enjoy them and feel proud about them -- except for karate, which has, I think, kind of waned in value the last few years. But that doesn't mean these achievements are going to impress other people. In the grand scheme of things, your gaudy list of Xbox 360 achievements isn't that big a deal. It's not like you've created polio.

#3. Because Someone Reading Is Way Better Than You

Depending on the popularity and activity of your chosen Internet cesspool, within seconds, minutes or hours of submitting a boast, someone will reply that they've done the same thing, only way better than you, and that you're kind of pathetic for even bringing up your little feat. "Son of a bitch!" you shout. "No one knows more karate than me!" you add, punching the monitor in half. Indeed, striking monitors in twain is the first (and most popular) of two possible reactions to such a counter-boast:

1) "That son of a bitch is lying!"

We've already explained why this is likely, but if your reading comprehension is not entirely there, a recap: It's because everyone on the Internet lies, all the time, and if they're not lying, you probably should just pretend they are. If that realization doesn't help you understand why you shouldn't have bragged in the first place, well, read that sentence again and see if anything clicks.

2) "Unless they actually are much better than me."

The Internet is a big place, and by now everyone who's not desperately poor or elderly is probably hanging around on it in some capacity. Competitive cyclists, Nobel laureates, former Mouseketeers and all sorts of accomplished people are, as we speak, hanging out in the comments section of blogs right now, just being incredibly accomplished. Which means that unlike in say, high school, where you might very well be the best battle rapper around, you're definitely not that on the Internet.

So which will it be? Will you accept the humbling that comes with knowing you're second best? Or decide that the other guy's a liar, and accept the implication that that means you're probably a liar, too, and the confusing spiral of self-doubt and despair this realization will set you on?


#2 Because no one cares

But let's say you're hanging out in a strange online community where people don't immediately snap your head off when you say anything. Oprah's site, I guess.
These people not only believe what you've said, but also they don't think your claim is trivial and won't immediately try to one-up you. But here's the kicker: They don't care.

Remember that anonymity thing? You're basically a complete stranger to these people, and it's kind of hard to get worked up about the accomplishments of a complete stranger. In the best case, you're likely to receive polite disinterest in response to your boast; more frequently, you'll get snide replies, mocking you for sharing anything about yourself at all.
But what if you've established a reputation and fixed persona in this community, and actually are speaking with people who know you and believe things you say and care what they are? They're your friends, dammit, they have to care, right? Even then, after all the heavy lifting of making friends, you still shouldn't brag ...


#1. Because They're Your Friends

I'm going to be a dick about terms here and point out that there is a difference between bragging and talking positively about yourself. Think about your real friends in real life, Now think about how they relate news of their genuine accomplishments. I can think of very few cases when one of my friends who'd done something noteworthy hadn't passed on the news with an air of humbleness. There's always a celebratory tone, to be sure, but the point of the story isn't about how great they are. They're sharing a success. Whether they graduated from school, won an award or finally succeeded, after a frustrating series of missteps, at getting their balls to drop, the tone is always one of a goal reached. That's not bragging.Bragging is trying to puff yourself up, letting all witnesses know what a fantastic human specimen you are. This is useful during job interviews, and is of course a normal, healthy part of the mating process ...but it's not the way we speak to our friends. In fact, if they really are your friends and they catch you bragging, the first thing they should be doing is popping your bubble as violently as they know how. Reminding you of the time when you weren't so good at Gears of War, or the time when you played Gears of War instead of passing your second year of university, or the time you forgot to consume anything but diet Dr. Pepper for 34 hours while playing Gears of War and were checked in to the ER with a rapid heart beat and "imploded kidney syndrome."


So there you have it. Regardless of when and where you brag on the Internet, the only possible outcome is disinterest, accusations of lying, petty games of one-upsmanship or stark reminders of your other, larger failings. It's why people who've hung around the Internet for awhile talk very little about themselves and spend most of their time viciously tearing other people down; behavior that is, sadly, the current apex of Internet maturity.

They are watching you

 Things Social Networking Sites Need to Stop Doing:

Social networking is here to stay. Virtually everyone reading this has an account with one of these sites, if not more than one. Social networking sites are how humans interact now, and it will continue until the day the rats eat through our network cables.

That's what makes increasingly annoying and/or invasive social networking practices so much harder to swallow. We want all of the below to stop and, barring that, at least not get any worse. But if they don't, what are we going to do? Ditch our computers and go live in the woods?

Insisting They Can't Protect Your Private Info Without More Private Info

If Facebook is telling you your private information isn't safe, you know it's time to worry -- Facebook is still one of the few places on the Web that 100 percent connects you to your real-world identity. And you don't want strangers looking at those revealing baby photos your mom tagged you in, do you? So you click "Increase protection." But how can Facebook make sure that you and only you can see your personal information? By verifying your identity -- by asking for even more sensitive information.

And here is the paradox of the social networking age. It's like a bank saying it can't afford to put locks on its vault unless you put more money into that vault. First Facebook asks you to give it a second email address, in case, you know, someone hijacks your other email and changes your password when you really need to water your fake crops. That's reasonable enough. But then it asks for your phone number.In case someone hijacks both email accounts, changes all your passwords, and you really, REALLY need to water those freaking crops.

The problem is that you might not even have any sensitive information on Facebook, but if you follow

 these "security-enhancing" steps, you will. Information that can be leaked the next time Facebook has a security breach. Oh, and if you have Facebook Mobile, it's apparently very easy to accidentally post your mobile number to your profile as numerous users found out only when friends asked them if they'd suddenly gone insane.

Tracking Where You Are, Whether You Like It or Not

Location-based social networks are riddled with privacy issues. And you don't even have to do anything. If you're using Foursquare, for example, and your account is connected to Twitter, when your friend checks in at a location you've checked in at, their post will automatically say they're at that location with you. Even if you've set up your profile so that your location is visible to friends only, there are still ways for it to become public, like making your frequent hangouts known to the world, or randomly being featured on some page or another

But that's the whole point of sites like Foursquare, right? To let people know where you are? So if you have a problem with that, the obvious solution would be not to use them. This works perfectly fine with Foursquare, but not so much with Facebook places.

When Facebook offers you the feature, you have two options: "Yes" and "Not now." If you click "Not now," you think you're not using it, but you actually are: It still lets your friends tag you anywhere. And even after you've declined being tagged it will still keep tagging you in the future.

Apparently, asking you whether you want to share your location simply isn't a thing anymore: Both Firefox and Chrome come with geolocation features turned on by default, using wireless networks to triangulate your position and bring you "personalized" search results. It gets worse -- at least Google and Firefox let you turn this off. Recently, Apple updated its privacy policy so it can create location-aware ads for iPhones and such. For example, it might show you an ad for a store or franchise that happens to be near you at any given moment. If you don't agree with Apple's new privacy policy, tough shit -- you can't use their products

Following You Around the Internet (Whether You Want Them to or Not)
Let's try something: Log into Facebook, then go to the front page of any website that has one of Facebook's "Like" boxes (here's one). Now look at those "People who like this" pictures -- chances are, you'll see some of your friends there. How is that possible? There are 600 million Facebook users and you have, what, a measly 130 friends in your friends list?

Well, it's like this: When you sign up for Facebook, it gives you a cookie that remains active in your system even when you leave Facebook's website. This means it's able to follow your activity through any site that has a "Like" box.

Not these kind

The creepy part: It does this with non users too...When you go into a website that has Facebook integration, Facebook will create a tracking cookie even if you're not a Facebook user. A researcher for a Dutch university found out that Facebook uses these cookies to store the online activity of people who never registered on the site, and if they should join later on, that information is integrated into their new accounts. This means Facebook follows you even when you're logged out, as long as you visit sites that have "Like" boxes or Facebook Connect.

But there's an even more effective way for social networks to collect your info: your stupid friends. All it takes is having exchanged a few emails with one careless idiot years ago to be in someone's database. Most social sites have a "Find your friends" option that asks users for access to their email/instant messaging contact lists to find out whether anyone they know is already registered on the site. Twitter shows you this screen right after you sign up:

But even if you're not on Twitter, it will still have access to your name, your email address and whatever information your friend's contact list has about you, which it will save in case you should register later. At least Twitter asks before doing anything, some dubious sites, like Badoo, Imeem and Lockerz, automatically raid the email account of anyone foolish enough to give them a password, spamming every address they can find with fake invitations

Getting back to Facebook (because it's been like two paragraphs since we mentioned it), it does something similar with phones: Users who activate Facebook Mobile are letting FB copy their entire contacts list, including non users.  It also lets people tag you in pictures using your email address and name, so that, you know, you have a few photos of yourself in there when you inevitably sign up. 

Making It Ridiculously Hard to Delete Anything

Let's say you've had enough of these shenanigans and you decide to quit social networks altogether. Sounds simple, right? After all, it took you only a few minutes to sign up, so how much longer could it take to do the opposite? Well, it turns out that quitting some websites is harder than quitting crack -- and that's the way they like it.

It'll make you come back...

For example, deleted Hotmail or Windows Live accounts are kept in their servers for 270 days- that's nine months. And if you accidentally log into your account within those nine months, the account is reactivated, and you have to start over again. The idea is to help former users who suddenly regret ditching their email accounts ... almost a year later.

Facebook keeps deleted accounts for only two weeks, but it makes sure that even getting to that stage is ridiculously complicated. If you search in your account settings, you'll see an option to "deactivate" your profile. Click on that, and Facebook will show images of your friends and you saying "[name] will miss you."

Let's say you somehow make it past all the emotional blackmail and deactivate your account. Guess what? "Deactivating" isn't the same as deleting: All your information is still stored by Facebook indefinitely, and people can continue to tag you in pictures and send you invitations. The REAL delete button isn't in your settings at all -- it's hidden in a place that isn't so easily accessible. To reach it, you have to follow a needlessly complicated set of steps

Even then, you're not out of the woods. As I mentioned, you have to wait two weeks for your profile to be erased permanently, but if you interact with Facebook in any way during those 14 days (including "Like" boxes and Facebook Connect), the account cancellation will be aborted. Let's say you use Facebook Connect on a website and you set it up to log you in automatically. As soon as you navigate into that website, Facebook will assume you regretted your decision and will reactivate your account.

Plus, Facebook pictures are also notoriously hard to delete. Try this: Upload a picture to Facebook and then copy the image's URL (that's the long address ending in .jpg). Now delete the image from your profile and paste the URL to your browser's address bar. The picture will still be there. If you check back in a month, chances are it still won't be gone.

 Think of the implications: Let's say an embarrassing picture somehow finds its way into your profile, possibly due to circumstances involving alcohol consumption. The next morning you rush to delete the picture, but if even one of your friends saw it and copied the URL, he'd be able to access, download and propagate the image for the next month.

Facebook admits that deleted content "may persist in backup copies for a reasonable period of time" adding that it "will not be available to others," but that's bullshit -- try that URL from before in a different computer, and it will still work. By contrast, sites such as Flickr and Twitter delete images instantly. And speaking of Twitter, it doesn't store your deleted tweets for any amount of time -- but the Library Of Congress does; For, you know, posterity... 

The future baby!

Remember that Qwest commercial? Circa 1999-2000? A guy walks into a diner in the middle of a desert, spots a jukebox in the corner, and asks the owner what's on it.
"Every song ever recorded by every artist, ever." 

That commercial made me about flip out...I could not imagine a future where every song ever recorded is available on a jukebox. In fact, I thought it to be hyperbole. Fast-forward to 2011. I have access to every song ever recorded, every movie ever filmed, and any tv or radio broadcast ever recorded...

On my damn cell phone!?

Imagine if the 1999 version of me --who was absolutely thrilled to download Goodie Mob cds via Napster and my dial-up AOL service, even if it did take 3 to 4 hours-- could see what I spent most of this morning doing?  On a HD screen that I can hold between the base of my thumb and the second knuckle of my middle finger, I am browsing through Cee Lo Green's latest album.

Remembering that he was on Saturday Night Live well before I came to appreciate these songs, I opened my Netflix app, found the episode, and played his live performance (a video of which I found on Youtube in about 15 seconds.)

Now, we would reject a device that would only give us access to every song ever recorded: Where's the video support, Hulu app or my digital download copy of Black Dynamite?? 

Forget a personal jet pack or commercial flights to the frigging moon; the world is in my damn pocket...

We Live In the Future. Enjoy It.

Willful Idiots

Don't be a jive turkey...

No one likes to be called an idiot, sometimes the evidence is so overwhelming there is no choice but to apply the label.... The internet is a place for people to consume information, to communicate, to participate in commerce and to safely be idiots. I say safely because for the most part there is no fear of retribution if you happen to run afoul of someone's sensibilities. Talking trash to people on the internet is the new thing. I don't even have a problem with these internet gangstas set trippin', it makes for a little light entertainment....no, it's the dumb ones I shall not suffer.   Facebook is the shit right? Everyone you know has a page.  I see people putting all their business out there for the world to see, arguments, (those are hilarious), pictures, quotes, videos; a treasure trove of content.  You can tell a lot about a facebook user by the type of posts they have.  I saw a pretty funny one yesterday, "dat bich got 1 mo time to disinfect me...." WTF? I read it three times. I understood the trend of purposely misspelling words, it's a cool thing to do that, I imagine.  One word stood out...disinfect...it was spelled correctly but in this context it made no sense... Did she mean disrespect? This can't be. No one can possibly be that dumb.  I let it go, not everyone got high marks in reading and comprehension, its just a fact of life. I was discussing this topic with a friend of mine just today, nothing makes her fly into a rage faster than people that make up words and use them like they read it in the pages of the Mirriam-Webster. then give her the gremlin-eye because she uses proper diction and syntax when speaking.  I believe the word was "worster", this non-word was an ill designed attempt to add emphasis the the word "worst".  True, not everyone paid attention in school but this is bordering on willful stupidity. There is no excuse, this is not the 1950s you had the option to stay your ass in school.  All this talk of stupidity reminds me of a story I heard: It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote, "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. Stay in school children.

Facebook "characters"

Facebook...those of us who use it, use it the way it suits us best. One of the funniest things I have noticed that people who post usually fall into one of several categories

ANNOYING OPTIMISTS: You know the type.  Never a cynical comment or snarky remark.  Just pure, unadulterated, relentlessly irritating positiveness.

Sample Status Update:  I just finished my 100 mile run after a really kick-ass home-cooked meal and some great forward-movement on my novel.    Wow, what a day!

BRAGGERS: much like the optimists, it’s not enough for them to be happy, they have to make sure everyone knows this. (may be lies)

Sample Status Update:  I am so swamped with career opportunities.   Where am I going to find time to attend Snoop Dogg's  birthday party?

OVERSHARERS: honestly, I skim these…

Sample Status Update:  Weird knot on my inner thigh....  Any home remedy suggestions???

OBTUSERS:  they have nothing interesting to say so they attempt to couch their statuses with an air of mystery…

Sample Status Update:  I can’t believe she said that.  Day ruined!

SOCIAL FACEBOOK-TIVISTS: It’s always one obvious cause or another.

Sample Status Update:  Roger is against the spread of AIDS.  If you are too, cut and paste this into your own update!  Let’s use the power of Facebook to stop AIDS!

24 HOUR PARENTERS: They see Facebook as an endless live stream of adorable kiddie information.  And they assume we’re lovin’ it.

Sample Status Update:  Nancy is so proud of her little Colten — three trips to the potty with no poopy pants!

ALL-BUSINESS TYPES: They go months, sometimes years, without updating.  Then pop up only when they need something.  Then, they’re gone again…

Sample Status Update:  James is looking for a new dentist in the mid-town area.

  

So… which type are you?  Did I miss any?

Shutting Down?

By midday Friday, 12 hours before the funding would run out, most federal employees had been told whether they had been deemed essential or would be temporarily laid off in the event of a shutdown.

The military, mail carriers, air traffic controllers and border security guards would still be expected at work, although paychecks could be delayed.

National parks and forests would close, and taxpayers filing paper returns would not receive refunds during a shutdown.

Passports would be available in cases of emergencies only. This Is some bullshit.  

Crooks and Liars

I know what this country needs...

Why so much misinformation? Why can't these politicians just tell the truth? I am so sick of reading all these articles that don't even have a foundation in truth.  This birther crap, the government shutdown, healthcare, tea party...all most of these assholes are interested in is political grandstanding, no real solutions to any problems, well one... to snatch the crust of bread from the poor man's mouth. Then call it sacrifice...What about you Mr. Politician, Where is your sacrifice?  I don't hate rich people but I just don't see how they can justify continuing their tax cuts. Their argument is "we create the jobs, tax us more...  no jobs".  I am not that good at math but some shit ain't adding up... You have enjoyed the lowest tax rates since God knows when, yet there are no jobs.  The trickle down shit doesn't work. I don't have the answers but that says to me they are raving lunatics that must be stopped...they are out of hand.